Do this or else

Renting sometimes feels like living in a college dorm, complete with intrusions, inconveniences, and rules and the power trippers who enforce them. The complex where I rent is viciously uptight and growing increasingly fascist.

Take for example their favorite method of showing appreciation to their customers: leaving memos on everyone’s door. Here are some excerpts from the love letters sent out over the past few months:

“We have scheduled a pool party for this Saturday. You may stop by the office to register and receive your pool passes. The pool will be closed to those who have not registered. Pool passes will be mandatory for all residents after the pool party.” Fun! The warmest parties always make you wear arm bands…or else.

“…you can expect our staff to be diligent in reminding you where you can walk your pet.” What, so I’m supposed to make Lady Buttercup stop mid-squat if it’s on the unapproved grass? Way to unravel all those years of careful housebreaking, geniuses.

“Anyone found in the pool or on the sundeck after hours will be fined $250 for 1^st offense and $500 for second. If you are leasing you will be subject to eviction for a violation in addition to the fine.” I haven’t had a curfew since I was 18 – I’d forgotten how it felt to be cowering in your room after 10 PM!

“SEASON of the FROGS: The season also means that our amphibious friends migrate around the property. Please drive carefully and do your best to avoid them on the roads.” Do they really think people try to run over frogs on purpose?

“VEHICLES: We have received a few challenges to the ticket process. One person wrote questioning the speed limits. Another wanted to confront the staff member who wrote the ticket.” I’m wondering how people who work at an apartment complex decided all of a sudden they can write out tickets and fines for driving over 14 mph. Seriously! Are you law enforcement officers too?

The bits I listed aren’t even the full extent of regulations and scolding that goes on in my homestead either. Unfortunately it has gotten worse and more bizarre since renewing my lease a few months back. Clearly I’m getting too old to do this whole renting thing much longer. We also have Lady Buttercup’s dignity and happiness to consider.