Who are these people?

Spotted at dentist's office today: Man stretched out on sofa, sleeping. His cowboy boots were sitting like neglected companions on the floor beside him. He was making quite a ruckus with his breathing - not unlike Big Bird's woob, woob, woob, wooooo

John Cusack turns 40

I adore John Cusack. People in my age group have grown up alongside him, watching his movies. Tomorrow - June 28th - is John Cusack’s 40th birthday. In honor of that, I present my High Fidelity -style Top 5 Favorite Scenes with John Cusack:

1. In Better Off Dead (my favorite Christmas movie), Lane Meyer gets a crap job at Pig Burgers. There’s this whole mad scientist fantasy sequence, kicked off with some awesome maniacal laughter. Then as Van Halen’s song “Everybody Wants Some” plays, claymation hamburgers and fries come to life! The boy hamburger and the girl hamburger (the girl had eyelashes, duh!) start dancing together, lady french fries are sunbathing around a fryer of oil. That scene is so delightful, even robots approve.

2. The scene in Say Anything where Lloyd Dobbler and Diane are in the car and they are making out. He is all shaky and vulnerable, and has this look on his face that always made me swoon.

3. Sixteen Candles finds John Cusack playing one of Anthony Michael Hall’s geek friends. At the end of the raging party, we assumed the geeks got their asses kicked by the jocks. But then a car of jocks pulls up outside a house, they get out and open the trunk, and inside is John Cusack and the other guy. They just lay there in the trunk and wait to be gently picked up rather than climb out. And the other guy even scoots over near the edge to be helpful after John Cusack is lifted to safety. Hilarious!

4. Here is one from High Fidelity. When Tim Robbins comes into the record store, it looks like the guys all kick his ass. They even pull the air conditioner out of the wall and put the smackdown on that girlfriend- thieving hippie! Except, it ends up being what he imagines doing while just standing there. Who hasn’t fantasized about just once letting your rage overpower reason and play out like that?

5. The first part of the high school reunion in Grosse Pointe Blank. John Cusack is talking with a woman, and she asks him to hold her baby. The baby - who is the World’s Most Perfectly Gorgeous Baby - and John Cusack have this moment where they look at each other. Melts my heart every time.

Bachelor Number Four

Hearing about other people’s dating and relationship stories fascinates me. The dishy details are either relatable because I recognize my own similar mishaps, or they give me something to hope for. Knowing that other people have setbacks and humiliations makes me feel like part of a community rather than a freakish anomaly. Alternately, after seeing people struggle and think they’ll never meet anyone, only to find happiness - well, that pretty much encourages me to get right back out there and make an ass of myself.

I’ve nearly avoided getting into this topic on the blog. I had put an embargo on the subject of dating, thinking it was better to spare the other person’s feelings. After all, I wouldn’t like it if I stumbled across something written about me, so I didn’t want to do that to anyone I had a date with. But then again, I write under a pseudonym. I’m not in the habit of telling my dates that I even have a blog. Dating foibles are one of my special talents. Most importantly, why am I protecting these guys? They certainly didn’t have my best interests in mind. It almost seems unfair to withhold the funny or crummy stories that could help someone else suffering a bout of dating distress.

So. A review of what fate has sent me in 2006. The first guy I went out with decided to email me after our first (dinner only) date. The fact that I never gave him my email address wasn’t a deterrent - he simply looked me up on my office’s web page. Except he emailed the other Ramona - a message that said, “Hey Ramona, I had a great time with you last night”. Thanks for that. Lovely of you to remember my last name. I don’t know how it feels to be a married 60-something woman and get an email like that, but I have a pretty good guess that it doesn’t reflect well on me.

The next guy I went out with this year talked exclusively about himself and the secret society he was a member of. He told me it was his birthday the next day, so I offered him a birthday hug at the end of our date. He took this as his chance, and started grinding on me in the parking lot outside Macaroni Grill. Immediately I pushed him off and blurted out, “I said you could have a birthday hug, not a birthday hump!”

Not wanting to give up on dating and move straight into the Golden Girls house just yet, I tried again. This time it was with someone I met on the Hollis and Rae set (juicy, I know!)We went out a few times, even though we had nothing in common. I smugly congratulated myself on being open to dating outside my type. And where did that end up? With me sitting on my couch one night, dressed and ready to go, for a date that never showed up. How did I find myself, at age 32, actually getting stood up? By an uneducated, Republican, bald waiter no less. Clearly I was bewitched by the glamour and excitement of filming a tv pilot, because there is no reasonable explanation for this.

After a confidence wrecker like that, I could have given up and taken a dating hiatus. But then something good happened. I’ve met an actual nice guy - he makes me laugh, he brings me flowers and chocolates, he gives me shoulder rubs. After a string of seriously bad dates, having a nice boyfriend is even sweeter. And because the lousy dates were part of the path to something lovely, I know I’ve earned this and will savor it.

So there you have it. We all have setbacks; it’s okay to take some time off. But you have to keep getting out there, say hi to the cute stranger, and don’t give up on yourself. Don’t let things harsh your mellow too long, because it’s up to you to enjoy your life and make something happen.

A Night Out with Natasha

Mad Libs are cool (especially on road trips). If you fancy a diversion today, try the special Frisky Biscuit edition created lovingly for you readers - all 3 of you! Number a piece of paper from 1 to 11, make up the required words, then scroll down. Fill in the words at their corresponding location, and enjoy your creation. Don’t peek ahead, you clever minx!

1. Adjective
2. Beverage
3. Place
4. Adjective
5. Exclamation (or naughty curse word)
6. Verb
7. Item of Clothing
8. Noun
9. Body Part
10. Adverb
11. Bodily fluid










Drinks Night

Your day has been rubbish, and then one of your (1.) ___________ friends called. “Let’s go out and drink some (2.)____________. I heard (3.) _______________ has some (4.)__________ hotties” said Anna. You think to yourself (5.) ____________! while you get ready to (6.) _______ downtown. Hmmmm....I wonder if I should wear (7.) __________ and bring my (8.) __________. When you arrive at the pub it is packed. There is an empty couch, and your group heads straight to it. As you are settling in, you put your (9.) ___________ on the couch. You (10.) ____________ jump up, realizing why the couch was empty. You’ve just sat in (11.) ____________!

The Frisky Biscuit Endorses

Summer is all about chasing down the fun times that remind you of being young and free. It is also the time to prevent the heat from maliciously penetrating your soul and ruining the simple pleasures you have earned. In honor of the first day of summer, here are some recommended activities to keep you occupied in case heat haze decreases your ability to think of something to do. These are Frisky Biscuit tested and proven to bring contentment, whether on a date or with a group of your favorite scamps and ne’er-do-wells:

-Swimming at night - even if you have to jump a fence to gain access
-Visit the local psychic for a palm or Tarot card reading
-Go see some live music
-Take your iPod, a six-pack of beer, and your favorite make-out partner outside under the guise of “star gazing”
-Find a movie theater that has food and beer; or an outdoor movie or drive-in
-Watch a local theater production, then sneak out for ice cream or gelato before it ends
-Try Moroccan food & watch the belly dancing
-Go to an aquarium
-Hit the casino, but only bring $20 bucks
-Find out if the local museums or libraries have any special events or concerts
-Go to the beach at night (bring beer)
-Re-live the days of Pac-Man fever and go to a video arcade
-Take some ballroom dance classes*
-Go to an amusement park
-A boat ride at night - especially on the 4th of July
-Doze off while reading trashy celebrity gossip magazines
-Go to the movies frequently; even if the movie is crummy, at least you can soak up some good air conditioning
-Host a board game night; you’ll probably want to have some margaritas too
-Borrow a handwriting analysis book, and figure out the secret traits of your friends
-Try something you’ve always wanted to do, like surfing or a hot air balloon ride
-Get obsessed with a new craft - maybe homemade postcards, or something with glue, pompoms and googly eyes - as long as it is oh-so summer camp 1980
-Eat lots of watermelon



*Gentlemen - this is a popular place for single ladies

It calls for dirty looks

Things I do not fancy:

When people leave the bathroom without washing their hands
That alcohol isn’t sold on Sundays at the grocery store
When people wear flip flops in the winter
Walking through cigarette smoke
People licking their fingers while you are eating
Migraines
Heavy fragrances you can smell after the person has left, especially when they smell like a poodle
Those Idiots/Dummies books (so insulting and negative)
When people let doors close behind them rather than holding them open
People hating on books they’ve never even read
Accidently picking out bad pieces of fruit and having to throw it away
Cleaning the shower
Folks who touch food they don’t intend to eat

Southern Signs

Anyone who has driven through the rural South is well acquainted with the various roadside eccentricities. When Natasha and I were students at Auburn, our drive home to Panama City took us along a stretch of Highway 231. The first time we saw it, our disbelief set off a debate that lasted for the rest of the journey. It was the first of several advertisements leading to a junkyard “zoo” by the side of the highway.

Ramona: No way it actually said that!
Natasha: But it did; we both saw it.
Ramona: But how...?
Natasha: I don’t know.

It was a sign with five unforgettable words: SEE GIANT RAT EATIN’ FROGS.

For years it was our running joke; a bizarre diversion from a routine drive. We discussed the possibilities.

Natasha: What exactly do you think goes on there?
Ramona: I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure I can’t handle seeing it.
Natasha: Do you think they have scheduled feeding times so the public can watch?
Ramona: Probably. But I’m still not stopping.

Most puzzling of all is the question of what they were hoping to entice people to observe. Is it a giant rat who is eating some frogs? Or giant frogs who devour a rat (rat eatin’ frogs)? Because the hillbilly message is unclear. One thing we did know is that watching a deranged chow-down like that would be gross. We never did investigate. As with many of life’s mysteries, finding out might spoil the innocent sense of wonderment.

Juror #10

For the past 2 days, I’ve had jury duty. It’s kind of exciting, and something I’ve long been curious about. Yes, that sounds geeky. So what? I had looked forward to it partly because of the new spectrum of people watching opportunities. Though airports are still my favorite place for that pastime, the Chatham County Courthouse did not disappoint.

During the jury selection process on the first day, there was actually a guy who had to ask, “What is a spouse?”. Oh dear. Of course, I was stuck sitting next to an enormous man who cycled through an entire repertoire of disgusting noises - robustly audible scratching, sneezing, coughing, chortling, sniffling, labored breathing, and phlegm collecting that was so mighty, it vibrated the wooden bench we were sitting on.

Instead of sending a jury summons, the “invitation no one wants to get”, maybe they just need to put a different spin on it. Perhaps if it was marketed as an exciting vacation from your everyday life, people wouldn’t be so grouchy when they report for jury duty. Unless they already know better. It was interesting, in the way that getting out of the office and seeing what other people do all day feels like a school field trip.

How about sending something like, “The exclusive privilege of consorting with the glamorous citizens of Chatham County, Georgia awaits you. Settle into the sumptuous decor lovingly designed in multiple shades of brown - so retro its ahead of its time. Indulge yourself with the fabulous expense account of $10 dollars, from a check made out to BEARER. Experience the full entertainment value offered with our state of the art film screening. Sample the delicacies of our world class menu, available in the chic lounge on the first floor. Appreciate the culture and soothing melodies of Kenny G music each time the attorneys approach the bench. Oh yes, this special opportunity cannot be missed!”

During the trial today, I kept thinking of the time Mumsly served on a jury. It was for an assault case. A woman’s ex-husband had spit (spat?) on her current husband, and took the issue to court. Only in Panama City, folks.

bright copper kettles

Here are some things I fancy:

White sheets
Tea with milk and sugar
Cold weather
Beck's dancing
Tulips and hydrangeas
Throwing stuff away
Board games - especially Clue
Dogs; dog snouts
Purses - like some women are with shoes, I can never have too many purses
Gravel paths and driveways
Kisses where the man touches the woman's face with his hand
Postcards
The sound a fresh jar of nuts makes when you open it
Being scared of zombies
Beauty products that smell like buttercream and chocolate
Beer, especially Bass and Guinness
Having a good laugh
Riding trains when traveling
Herb gardens
The smell of barbeque even though I'm a vegetarian
Blue Dog
Being prepared
Being surprised
Mr. T
Those quizzes people email around, revealing personality quirks
Auburn football
Hiding surprises in people's homes, luggage, desks
Clean new books
British slang
Rainy days when you can stay home
Kilts
Dark chocolate
Halloween
The years when my age is an even number
When people step on the scale at the grocery store but forget they are still holding their bags
Having plenty to look forward to

How to have a fun, sexy time*

I like to test the waters when I’m on a date. To have a Frisky time, there needs to be an icebreaker so you both can relax and any stiff interview vibes can dissipate. Or, you can disqualify one more person in the world from the candidate pool. After 17 years of dating, what the hell, right? It’s not like I’ll permanently spoil anything. Might as well be myself and have an authentic interaction.
So anyway, I might blurt out something like this: "These mashed potatoes are so good, I want to make out with them!"**
Let’s figure out which is the reaction I’d appreciate from my date:
a.) Laugh genuinely, take a gulp of beer, then throw me some twinkly eye contact
b.) Say, "Yeah, girl, I’ll watch that"
c.) Grimace uncomfortably and start looking around the room for an exit strategy
d.) In a British accent say, "I want to make out with you my darling". If you’re not British, fake it.
Now lads - you’ve just got to be ready for these things. A sense of humor is my favorite quality in a person. I need to know that you’re laid back enough - that you’re man enough - to not feel threatened. If you can’t get on board with the silliness, lets not waste each other’s time.
The results are:
a.) This is fine, because it shows an appreciation of my sense of humor.
b.) This one is a perv.
c.) Takes things too literally. My adorableness has been wasted on you.
d.) The best response, because it proves you can throw it right back. Or it means you are British, in which case I probably already love you.
*blatant Arrested Development reference
**(or some other spontaneous comment)

Freaks, The strangers who approach me are

There must be some quality in my demeanor or appearance that invites strangers to apprehend me, and then practically explode with some unexpected weirdness. Maybe its because they see me and Lady Buttercup out walking so often that they feel they know us. That we are such a familiar sight they decide to stop us and give a detailed monologue about ...whatever. It happens so frequently - I’m held hostage while listening politely to someone’s outburst - that when I see certain people coming I duck behind buildings to avoid them. There is even one who drives beside me, windows rolled down and still talking, while I’m just skulking home. Later, when I’m released back to my squandered free time, I always wonder what the hell just happened. You hardly know me and you are talking about this?
Take this recent encounter, from a neighbor I’d only nodded hello to before:
Neighbor: My cat - you’ve seen him. He’s like my son. But after I had him for a like a year, you know, he started acting all hyper and was waking me up and stuff.
Ramona: Ah
Neighbor: So I called the vet. And the vet said to me, ‘Well Sammy, remember when you were a teenager and your hormones made you all excited and you felt different?’ Oh yeahhh...I remember that! Whoooo! So the vet says, That is what your cat is going through. We’ll give him the operation and he should calm down’.
Ramona: Um
Neighbor: Now the cat is bringing me dead snakes and stuff. So I called the vet and asked why. I know the cat thinks it’s a present, but why can’t he bring me a ribeye or something?
Ramona: Oh my hell.

Book Report

I've just started reading Amy Krouse Rosenthal's Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life, and it is delightful. I can barely sit still while reading it - the urge to try out her ideas strikes insistently and frequently. For example, Rosenthal describes a diversion she enjoyed for almost a year, where she would leave spare change in an envelope in a public place. Whoever finds the change was to spend it on some small treat - and write on the enclosed postcard what they did with the money. She even got several postcards back! I also like the book because the writing is so exquisite that she reminds me how magical and special the smallest gestures and experiences can be. Plus, there are lists! And Dave Eggers style illustrations! The way she has organized and categorized influential moments in her life, well, I love it. Good stuff. It is always a promising sign when you start reading a book and you become immediately more alert and aware, so you can savor every bit.