Not Knowing

Not knowing can be excruciating. The critical bit of information that you are waiting on so you can take action, one way or another, is always something you have no control over. Whether it is a loved one’s health crisis, waiting to find out if someone is going to disappoint you, news on someone’s dream job, or wondering where you’ll be living in a few months – any of these alone are difficult. But to have them all swirling in your skull, at the same time, is horrid. We usually have that someone to talk with, who has the sensible and soothing advice. Sometimes, that person most counted on is going through something and you don’t dare bother them with what, you sort of realize, will end up being fine in the long run. Bad news is tough, but at least once you know what you are up against you can figure out how to deal with it. Often, things that initially seem discouraging or don’t work out the way you wished will switch tracks to something better that was never even imagined.

So, what to do? I have two distractions at the moment. One involves eating with my left hand (I’m right handed), not switching the fork back to my right after using a knife. It’s like practice for a future hopeful move to England, to fit in with their style. The other distraction is to not turn the bathroom light on, so I can practice washing my hands in the dark. Both of these things play into my dread imaginations where I lose my sight or lose my right arm and have to relearn everything. Being prepared for things I hope will never happen makes it easier to avoid dealing with stuff that might. Will my heart explode if I don’t get some resolutions soon? Probably not. But I think I’ll go have a beer and try to slow down the panic. I’ll likely feel sheepish about my melodrama tomorrow!