Pants, You Are Disqualified!

What is it between us? I’m blaming you because eventually, you will let me down. Certainly it can’t be my fault. I put in the time and effort to treat you well. Why can I never seem to have more than two agreeable pairs at any one time, while the rest of you are ne’er-do-wells? Last month, one of you dropped your hem. Today you are scooting down and forming a hula-hoop waist. Hush down Corduroy, people are staring. Where the hell, Cream Trousers, did you pick up that stain? Are all of you determined to embarrass and disappoint me? I hate most of you, you must realize by now. Perhaps I’ll become a skirt girl. Skirts look quite fetching with a nice pair of tall boots. If only it wasn’t so cold at work, Pants, I’d have sold you out long ago. When do you think you’ll get around to doing something about my flat ass? I know achieving a Beyonce booty is unrealistic, but you could try a bit more. So you didn’t think I’d lose any weight, eh? Then why else would there be three different sizes of you around? Look at how you’ve affected the way I walk! Discreetly hitching you up, or wiggling into a presentable version of you. I’m trying to compensate for your weak character. When we go out to pick up cute boys, it’s like you’re not even trying. You are completely schizophrenic. In the winter, you’re hanging out with the boots, and it’s all, “Hello High Waters!” Then, during the summer, you’re kickin’ it with some flats, and you slouch around in baggy scruffiness at my ankles. It makes me sick to see you like this. Oh, it always seems perfect in the beginning. "Darling, those tuxedo style stripes down each leg are so charming. That mysterious tiny hook – how exotic! How fascinating!" I guess some part of me will always love you - for your pockets and your free livin’ ways. But if you’re not going to change, then I will. I can shave my legs more often. I can get a blanket to cover my lap at work. So I guess this is it – things are going to change. But not you, jeans, you can stay. I still have feelings for you.