Clever Uses For...Crap Gifts

We’ve all received them – a gift that leaves us wondering, “Is that who you think I am?” The first step is to evaluate the risks involved in simply returning the item to the store. Will you hurt someone’s feel-goods? Is it in acceptable condition? Will they give me store credit, or can I turn this into some actual currency?

Assuming returning the item is not an option, there are several alternatives at your disposal. Even when you don’t fancy a gift, you still deserve some entertainment. After waiting an appropriate amount of time, where you are reasonably certain the gift-giver won’t be asking after that ceramic figurine or toaster cozy, you might try one of the following routes:

-Save the crap item for a future gag gift/white elephant party. Be certain the person who gave the unsavory gift isn’t at the party. Don’t let anyone see you add it to the pile. Hope no one notices you shaking with silent laughter over the confusion aroused when opened.

-Hide it at work. The potential here is unlimited, depending the particulars of your office. The most desirable location is in the cubicle or office of an untidy co-worker. The kitchen or break room is also a prime target, as your item may actually make it into regular rotation and make itself useful. Keep a discrete eye out to see how long it takes (or if) anyone notices. If you are the office slob, I suggest you take a moment and have a serious look at your surroundings (after reading this, of course).

-Hide under your sibling’s bed. The closet is fine too. This technique works especially well when she has received the exact same crap gift. Since she probably won’t have put hers under the bed, when it is discovered she will just think it is hers. It could be some time before she figures out she has two Veggie Tales ornaments.

-Leave it on the floor and hope your dog or cat takes a liking to it. If it gets destroyed or soiled, why you’ll just have to chuck it out. Sheesh – pets are so darn crazy!

-Haul it with you when you fly to see a friend. Preferably an overseas or opposite coast kind of friend. Then, “accidentally” forget to pack it. Still recovering from hosting their recent houseguest, they’ll be in no mood to rush you a favor and mail it back. Then, you can rely on the Principle of Material Assimilation* to take over.

-For non-perishable food, leave in a neatly stacked pyramid on the porch of the nearest college dorm or frat house. The students will either:
a.) Happily eat the food
b.) Proclaim, “That is flippin’ hilarious, man! We were so wasted last night, I don’t even remember doing that!”
c.) Both a and b

-Place inside a cardboard box with some other stuff you’re trying to get rid of. In black marker, write “Garage Sale” on the box. Deposit in your parents’ garage, attic, or basement.

-For the rare occasion when you need to unload a book, follow the Book Crossing instructions. Enjoy feeling like a mysterious benefactor.

The solutions discussed here are also approved to eliminate useless or unwanted junk that you were responsible for bringing into your orbit in the first place. So what happens if, during these escapades, you are caught or questioned? Simply exclaim, with a look of utter bewilderment, “So that’s where it has been hiding! I’ve looked everywhere!” Reattempt at a future date, trying one of the other strategies.




*The Principle of Material Assimilation is the tendency for borrowed (or forgotten) items to become mixed in with someone’s stuff. After a period of time, they no longer recognize the item as something foreign that belongs to someone else. This also explains what happens to loaned books that are never returned.