Culinary Trespasses

Exhibit A: This photograph* was taken at a St. Patrick’s Day eve party. Clearly the work of a thoughtless (or disturbed?) soul, someone had a bite of cookie and decided they wouldn’t be finishing it. Rather than throw it out, they can’t be bothered. No, they left it on the cheese plate! No longer able to meet its destiny of delight and satisfaction, the cheese is now avoided like a city with the plague.

Whenever I’m in a shared food situation, there will always be one of THOSE PEOPLE. The ones who cough freely at buffets and luncheons. The ones who pick up and discard several items before claiming one for themselves, fondling each muffin or biscuit so none feel left out. Of course they don’t use spoons or tongs. And of course they look like non-hand washers.

Then there is the special breed of nibblers. If someone brings a box of doughnuts or a plate of brownies, they tell themselves they can only have a bite. So they just hack off a bit and leave the rest behind, where it sits all day until they return for more whittling. Just take the whole doughnut! You don’t have to finish it! Your options are to wrap the unwanted bit up and either: a) throw it out; or b) eat the rest later. It is completely unappetizing to discover one quarter of a Krispy Kreme sitting in the box. No one wants your garbage, fool.

I once had the misfortune of sharing a table with a man who tested his blood sugar at the table. He was later licking his fingers while eating fried chicken – the same fingers he had just drawn blood from. Being forced to attend group functions can be dreadful.

At work potlucks, I quickly learn whose food to avoid. Some people chronically have cat hair in their dishes. Mostly I’m bothered by the ones you always see leaving the bathroom without washing their hands. Also the ones who skip the soap and scrubbing and simply rinse the dishes before setting them in the drying rack.

This is probably the appropriate time to mention that even though we live in the south, not every dish calls for mayonnaise. I’m thinking of mashed potatoes in particular. There was one time when I was eating banana pudding and thinking hmm, this doesn’t taste right. The texture is strange too. It turned out to be chicken salad with pools and puddles of mayonnaise.

Did I also mention I’m a vegetarian? I’ll eat seafood and dairy, so it’s not that limiting. But quite often there is sneaky meat. Sneaky meat = meat that shouldn’t be there, or that you weren’t expecting. Again, I’ve had some mashed potatoes fouled up with bacon. It is particularly treacherous with appetizers; people love to pull a fast one there, especially with sausage crumbles.

Also on my list of unacceptable food behavior are the people who just throw food on the ground. Lady Buttercup doesn’t mind, though; in particular my neighbors have a strange affection for the Drop and Walk. In the past few months alone, Lady Buttercup has tracked down cat food, hash rounds, bratwurst, Doritos, French fries, and most frequently chicken wings. I can’t imagine what kind of person walks around eating chicken and just dropping the bones, but seriously – you’ve gotta stop that!

I do, however, love observing people who have unusual eating techniques. That should probably be covered in a separate post. The prediction: I expect to one day be rendered incapable of eating in public, thanks to all of this.

*I need a better camera. And some skills.